Diabetic Cyborg Life: Health Test, Distraction From Reality, Issues of Love and Dealing With Illness
As I discussed the last few months, I have an “artificial pancreas,” A.K.A. an insulin pump, and the daily progress of getting my blood glucose, or BG, and sensor glucose, or SG, to a consistently good level that is not hyperglycemic or hypoglycemic. Little news to report on my BG and SG issues to you on with my diabetes, I’m just getting along as best I can.
On the subject of my health, I had a colonoscopy yesterday, since I had chronic diarrhea issues since 2005. Those problems and my rapid weight loss are why I went to the doctor and got diagnosed with type 2 diabetes then. I just now am getting that procedure done. I just hope my stubbornness about not getting one until now does not comeback to haunt me. I will know, and tell you readers, what the test shows in a few days. I hope all is well I assumed and nothing more needs to be done back there, but I will see when the results are known and I tell you.
Let me take you behind the vial of my daily life. As anyone that follows me on Twitter knows, I tweet a lot starting at 2 or 3 am. I don’t do this because of some obsessive need to tweet, but instead an actually need to distract myself from obsessing about how dismal my life is now. I have no real purpose other than living for my family and trying to make a cause for persevering in the face of diseases and mental health issues that arise because of those illnesses. I have an odd system of checking around sites for the latest politics, sports and entertainment stories I share on Twitter and Facebook. Though lately more and more stories are from blogs my fellow Medium users.
I find that distracting myself from reality by sharing news and blogs are a tool that I have to keep my mind right. Otherwise I might fixate on the failings of my health and life in a way that leads to bad places of depression and anxiety. Yes, the technology of today with the 24/7 news cycle and the ease of access make for a trouble in everyone’s lives. Conversely, I feel that I need the distraction of other people and events that have little to no affect on me. That is just a fact of who I am now.
On a much happier note:
Kris Gage posted about relationships and I had to respond though I have never been in a relationship. Sharing this in my blog gave a chance to discuss the subject of relationships and love, so hear me out and you will learn why I am single and will be for the foreseeable future.
“Love is calm, composed, compassionate. Love is generous, respectful, kind. Love is non-attached (not unattached), and respectful of one another as individual human beings who exist separately from ourselves, both good and bad. Love honors others — and ourselves — as whole people in and of themselves.”
I responded with: “Love it Kris! Give us more!
I guess that I always had a higher value of love. I always thought it needed to be a long plotting thing that burrowed into your soul. Love takes years to develop and take hold for us.
Course I have never been in a relationship to know about that. I guess will always be a hopeless romantic.”
The issue of love and relationships are something I think of as a dead reality after my multiple sclerosis diagnosis last year. I just don’t feel that choosing to let someone get involved in my emotional and physical mess of health and psychological issues. I feel bad enough for my immediate family having to deal with my baggage of MS and diabetes. I tell anyone that shows interest that I swore myself celibate because of my chronic illnesses. I will consider get involved if a fellow chronically ill patient shows interest, but I am not chasing that. I don’t belong to any chronic illness dating sites or apps. I just don’t have the emotional and psychological capacity to think about that. I never chased a relationship with anyone before and I doubt I ever will.
Michelle Auerbach (@ehmichelle on Instagram)
posted something that spoke to me. At times I feel that she is speaking to me.
“Hey struggling soul.
I want to tell you a secret. You are so much stronger than you think you are. Do you remember the last day that you felt this way? When you felt like you couldn’t take this anymore, or that you were just so tired of living life like this? You made it through that day. And there’s proof that you can make it through this day too.
Whether you’re fighting your body, or your mind… or maybe both, you woke up this morning. Though you may not have a choice and these circumstances have chosen you, you are facing them head on. And you might feel like they’re overwhelming you, or like you’re not strong enough to handle them. But you will look back on days like this and be so proud of the way you surprised yourself. Just like you’ve surprised yourself before. Again and again.”
This part speaks to my daily struggle of my situation. I am surprised everyday that I make it to the day and to bed without incident or being hospitalized.
“It’s not fair that that life has dealt you this deal. It’s not. There’s nothing that makes it okay. But I hope you know you deserve to be proud. Because you go through things that other people couldn’t handle. You don’t even realize all the little achievements you’ve attained. Every single day, from getting up, to forcing yourself to bathe or shower, to pushing through the pain, and fighting for your life.
And though some days you might feel like you’re losing, the mere fact that you are pushing through is a little win. You are braver than you think. More of a fighter than you think. More fearless than you think. And no one knows. It’s a pretty silent battle. No one knows the little things you overcome in one day. 24 hours. Maybe today you felt pain all over your body. But you still made it through. Maybe today your mind was a mess. But you still made it through. Maybe today you were just tired. Exhausted. You felt like you had the life sucked out of you. But still, here you are, another day that YOU won over what’s trying to take over.”
These two paragraphs feel like she is talking to me directly, especially the end part about life being sucked out and my still being here. I did win the fight for that day and time. I just have to remember that I am still here and all the issues I overcame.
Please don’t underestimate yourself. It might feel like the score is 0 for you, and 1 for life, but you are so much more than you think you are. You have power over the pain the world has caused you. And you deserve every single ounce of that power, because you fought for it. And you continue to fight for it every single day.
So in case no one has told you lately…. I’m proud of you.”
Her words about fighting and trying no matter what is exactly how I approach my life and health. Her situation of chronic illness that I spoke of last week shows that she must deal with obstacles larger than mine. To be honest, the advantage of know you will have health care is a great burden I have to deal with, but I am sure it is not all rainbows and free health care like we Americans that sweat loosing ours assume. I questioned using her whole post, but I cannot cut anything I see that is unneeded in making my point. It is represents words that I only wish I wrote every time anyone gives me love for doing what I do to survive my life.
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