Diabetic Cyborg Life: Unmediated Anxiety and the Beauty of Love and Empathy
The no glatiramir acetate for now has me worried that any lesions that might be firing in my head are only getting worse. The anxious feelings I have that the images I just gave of my brain is dated thanks to this lapse in medication. This angst that not having medication is truly unfounded thought. Worrying myself to death does not make my multiple sclerosis, or MS, or the satiation of being between insurers any better.
I just have to recognize that yes, I will be anxious about not being medicated. Nothing can change that other than me acknowledging it and realize that it will all be solved with my new health insurance come May. It is true that I am untreated and uncomfortable with it. Fretting myself to death about it only means that I could very well be causing more brain lesion.
So, I must instead make peace with it and trust that I will soon have all the medication I need with my new insurance. Not to mention that new United Health Insurance policy is no-charge to thanks to and Medicaid.
The lesson I used here of learning from anxiety made me think of an exchange I had on Medium about using worry and developing from it.
She writes about how her first panic attack and subsequent personal issues from finding her self in constant state or concern about her life. This fear warped her world and controlled her actions. The irrational fears about job, relationship and life in general were all things that many get medicated for and just float through like walking through a haze.
Gillian instead recognized what actions could make things better and what things were just realities she had to live with and that helped her tremendously. She used her anxiety as a tool to end her constant concerns with everything she did.
“Everyone likes to act like being anxious about our lives is the enemy and should be avoided at all costs, but you do a great job at explaining the we should learn from it instead of avoiding it Gillian. We should learn from it and develop our selves from what it can show us. It can truly change us and help us grow into a more rounded person.”
I know that if I avoided feeling the anxiety that I felt after my MS diagnosis I would just be a heavily medicated bump that sits here and does nothing. Instead I used it to try to become a writer and advocate for those that are mentally and chronically ill. We all have anxiety about our illnesses and lives if we are well.
We just have to admit it and learn to deal with what ever makes us anxious. Or learn that we cannot change it if it is something we cannot control. Those are regrettably things we have to make peace with and move on.”
That advice I gave her was in the midst of my unease about being unmediated. I had the realization after giving it I needed to follow my own counsel and learn form it or make peace with it. So, that is how I cam the harmony I spoke of before. I know the new insurance will get me my MS medication. Worrying about it now does me no good at all.
She writes that her empathy toward a father that lost his son made her realize her own losses that holding old grudges and keep anger and angst. She avoided feelings of regret by avoiding certain people gave her the ability to not feel things she wish to forget. Only in the people she shunned were not around her and opportunities to be with loved ones hat she now regrets. Her avoiding feeling empathy towards them for the sake of her own feelings meant lost times with loved ones.
I responded with my own philosophies on this:
“Thank you Gillian for this honest look and the beauty of love and empathy. We really do punish no one but ourselves when avoid people out of anger and angst about the past. I try to practice kindness and empathy all to time now. I had too many old days of anger and angst during my teens and 20s. Now I realize that all it did was make me miss things because I was too busy hating everything.
Your blog gives us all the reason that our hearts and love can heal us, all we have to do listen and let in our minds and bodies. As you write, we will find our lives much better and fun if are willing to love and empathize with others. Only then can we find anything approaching peace or happiness.”
The feeling of having stability and peace with the world and myself the further I get in life is becoming a reality. Continued reading the ideas of Zen Buddhism and having an open mind play a role in this I think. Honestly, I still do not claim a religious faith, but I am coming to see that the older I get the more ideas of Buddhism appealing. Having an open mind to these and all religious ideas seem to benefit me of that. For this I am truly thankful.